How Does Becoming a Mum Change Your Identity?

Motherhood changes everything, but what about the woman who existed before?

Motherhood app, Peanut found that 69% of mothers said it comes with a sense of loss of identity. This Mother’s Day, we want to celebrate mums’ identities, stories, and experiences through open conversation and meaningful gifts. Our campaign, The Woman Before Me, encourages families to ask about the life mums lived before children, honouring the full story behind their journey into motherhood. We asked Co-Founder, Helen about her experiences of identity shifts as a mum and her daughter Míla reflects on the life Helen's life experiences before.

Helen on Identity Shifts in Motherhood

What did you feel when you saw that 69% of mums experience a loss of identity?

I wasn’t surprised. 18 years ago; books, parenting classes, advice from others was literally all about giving birth and getting through the first few weeks. Things like bathing, feeding etc. There was some education on post-natal depression and what to look out for but nothing regarding how you may feel about yourself or your identity. There was a lot of joy around being a mum, but little regard for recognising you still existed as a person. I do hope that’s improved now.

Why do you think this feeling is so common but rarely spoken about?

I think it’s hard to admit, and this combined with the tiredness of pregnancy and birth, plus getting up in the night to feed, change, sleep, repeat can lead to affirmations that it’s ‘just you’ and everyone else has taken to being a new mum like a duck to water.

Were there moments when you felt your identity shifting or getting lost? What did that feel like?

For me it was such a massive change. I was nearly 42. I had worked since I was 14, full time since I was 21 in large organisations in teams with lots and lots of people. Suddenly instead of getting up at 6am to get to a meeting with adults, knowing what I was doing and what needed to be done, I was getting up during the night and early in the morning to a time schedule that was being set by this tiny human not really having much clue if I was going it right, well or properly. About week 3 I got mastitis (so painful) and I was still recovering from a 4-degree tear, I remember lying in bed with my beautiful baby, crying and thinking ‘What the hell have I done!’ – this was probably the worst time. I’m not great at asking for help . . . on this occasion I asked. I think this was the time I felt most lost.

How has motherhood changed the way you see yourself over time?

Yes definitely. I now don’t see it as getting it right or doing it wrong, I believe motherhood is about doing and being your best and continuing to learn and develop. There isn’t a one rule fits all, parenting isn’t a process it’s journey so taking a breath, being more relaxed, going with the flow and being kind to yourself, know that change is inevitable as your child grows means you need to be open and flexible in your attitude and behaviour. Growing an adult can be the hardest and most rewarding thing a person can ever do.

How would you describe motherhood as a job description?

• - At the beginning: long hours, little feedback, not time for yourself and rubbish pay!
  
• - After probation: (3 months): rewarding (smiles), feedback (routine), a little time for yourself and still rubbish pay 😀
  
• - After 1 year: Very rewarding (a person who thinks you are amazing nearly all of the time) fantastic feedback (laughing, chatting, movement of some sort), more time for yourself and the bonus of seeing all your hard work take shape growing a human.
  

What do you hope people think differently about mums after seeing this campaign?

That this is no right, no perfect. All your feelings, fears and thoughts about your identity and self-worth are valid. Mums are extraordinary – they’ve carried and nurtured another life, give birth and they are finding their way. It’s OK to voice your concerns and it’s important to actively listen, without judgement, to other women who voice their concerns about how they may be feeling.

What do you think mums feel when someone wants to know their life before motherhood?

It’s probably a bit of a shock when someone asks about you. It really resonated with me when Tom Bradby asked Meghan Markle how she was feeling after she gave birth to Archie and she appeared slightly emotional when she replied, “Thank you for asking because not many people have asked if I'm OK”.

People ask about the baby, the birth, how the feeding/sleeping is going. There’s lots of advice about what to do, what not to do – but really no consideration to how the woman may be perceiving her identity. I don’t recall ever being asked and perhaps it’s because the focus is on the baby or perhaps it’s because the asker wouldn’t know how to respond to an answer they don’t want to deal with – I’m sure it isn’t because they don’t care. I think new mother’s may feel slightly emotional being asked, potentially guilty that the focus is away from the baby, but they should be encouraged to voice their feelings and understand that those feelings are neither bad nor unusual.

What do you hope Míla will know about you one day?

That I did my best. I didn’t strive for perfect. I aimed to be the best mother I could be, learning and acknowledging what I handled well and what wasn’t so great. I have always apologised to her if I’ve felt I’ve got something, on reflection, wrong, or I wasn’t happy with my response, and corrected it where I could.

Míla on Discovering Her Mum’s Life Before Her

Tell me what you know about your mum before you were born?

I know my mum was independent. She used to travel a lot and has been to some wonderful places like Vietnam and Cambodia. I know she used to horse ride and she rode through the Catalan mountains a couple of times. She played netball to a pretty high level and I think she liked to dance, but I know she has always been a fantastic woman.

What is one thing that surprised you about her before she had you?

That she was so fit. She loved cycling and once rode, for charity, from London to Paris. She could do a handstand and rode horses around Spain. Definitely that she had a six-pack. Her previous jobs have been pretty cool and she has such a diverse range of roles. She was also a drum-majorette in a marching band you don’t see that around these days.

What inspires you about her life from before?

She is smart and creative. She has 3 degrees and she’s passionate for learning so is constantly pushing herself and trying something new. I am inspired by her resilience and the way she deals with situations as she usually seems to know exactly the right thing to do or say.

Do you see any similarities between you?

Although we don’t really look alike - I think my mum and I are quite similar, particularly our sense of humour. She definitely makes me laugh the most out of anyone and I know she finds me funny too. We both study sciences and we are both creative, so we love doing those things together.

If you could give back one thing from her life before motherhood, what would it be?

I’d love for her to have more time for herself, to do what she wants to do without having to consider or think about anyone or anything else.

Do you have any of her stories written down?

My mum created and kept a journal when she was having me which is amazing and I love reading it. This formed the basis of Bump to Birthday which she published the year after I was born. I know she’s doing other journals such as ‘Dear Mum’ for me, but I haven’t seen it yet. My mum is really into journaling and loves family stories and memories.

How Journaling Can Celebrate Mum’s Identity

Journals like Bump to Birthday and Dear Mum let families capture life stories in a way that builds connection and understanding. By exploring her experiences, milestones, and memories, both as a mum and the woman she was before, you get to know her on a deeper level. Memory journals can spark meaningful conversations between parent and child, strengthening your bond, as well as helping you appreciate the journey that shaped the person you love.

Celebrating More Than Just Motherhood This Mother’s Day

Motherhood is extraordinary, but so is the woman behind it. We find that being curious about mum’s life before and encouraging her to share memories, helps us celebrate her full identity and make her feel valued. This Mother’s Day ask the questions to learn more about her life before motherhood and give a gift that honours her life story.